So I Married an ADDer

Rate Your Wife!

Jen recently came across something very disturbing yet oh-so-fun on the psychology/neuroscience blog Mind Hacks. It's a wife rating scale from the 1930's. That's right, I said wife rating, as in, is your wife up to snuff with the standards of the day.

It reminded me of that heinous "How To Be a Good Wife" passage from the high school home economics textbooks of the 50's. ("Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.")

Of course we had to take the assessment. First you have to score your wife on "demerits" -- Is she slow in coming to bed? Does she fail to darn socks regularly? -- and then on "merits" -- Does she have meals ready on time? Can she play a musical instrument?

A score between 0-24 indicates that, as wives go, yours is "very poor (failures)". I scored a 6. Guess what Jen scored.

-16.

Off the charts, abysmal failure. Worst wife ever.

Amusingly enough, all of the shortcomings of a 1930's housewife are characteristically ADD. Slow in coming to bed, often late for appointments, doesn't have meals ready on time, doesn't keep the house tidy. It makes you wonder how women with ADD managed to cope back then. Maybe they were the suffragists and first-wave feminists. Jen certainly would have been. And I would have been peering out of my perfectly pressed lace curtains, wishing I was marching with her.

 

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"I'd like to thank the Academy..."

It's a very exciting morning here at AMG. We just found out that Jen's book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, was chosen as a finalist in the Indie Excellence Book Awards!

Of course, we would have discovered this sooner, but when Jen got the email she skimmed it (in typical ADD fashion) and missed her name. Luckily, she forwarded it to me, and I spotted her name immediately.

The National Indie Excellence Book Awards are dedicated to celebrating and promoting the outstanding work of independent publishers and authors. The competition is judged by an independent panel of experts from all aspects of the publishing industry.

I'm really proud of Jen. This is a big honor, especially considering that one of her life's goals since she was a child was to write a book. Between the wonderful reviews from readers and now this award, Odd One Out is proving to be a valuable book for adults with ADD.

So to Jen, to use the words of the great Oprah, you go girl!

Role Reversal

The whole premise of this blog (and really, my relationship) is that I am the organized, straight-shooting one and Jen is the creative, impulsive one. But sometimes we experience a complete role reversal, like last week at the accountant's office.

You would assume that I am the one who preps all the tax papers, financial statements, and legal documents before going to see the accountant, right? Wrong. Jen takes care of it all, every year. When we were both employed by corporations, we just did our taxes on Turbo Tax (a beautiful thing, if you haven't tried it). But since we've been running AMG, our taxes have gotten really complicated. So we bring in the big guns (a guy in a suit).

For some reason, I can't wrap my head around taxes. I keep track of all our finances and expenses, yet when it comes to taxes, my mind goes blank and I'm transported back to Mrs. Policastro's trigonometry class, staring at the paper as if it's written in Swahili.

Jen, strangely enough, not only understands the tax filing process, but understands it better than most people. So I happily take a back seat at the accountant's office while she presents the paperwork and answers all of his questions.

I try to pay attention, but it's just so boring.

Luckily for me, the accountant put up a wooden squirrel feeder on a tree right outside his office window. So for the otherwise mind-numbing hour that we were there, I got to watch the squirrels (and they were merry).

It's fun to be the ADD one sometimes.

Hamster Wheel Brain

Like most people, I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day. Jen does, too. So we watch TV together before bed, and I sometimes work on my Jumbles. That's as far as my brain is willing to go. Jen's brain, on the other hand, continues to run full speed ahead.

The other night, in the middle of Law & Order, she turned to me and asked, "Have you ever thought about how the structure of our solar system is a lot like the structure of an atom? For all we know, the planets could be electrons and the sun could be a nucleus."

I didn’t bother to consider her question. Instead I replied, "Little hamster's still running up there, huh?"

She finds this hilarious. But seriously, I picture a little hamster running on a wheel inside her brain, constantly churning out random ideas.

This is why a lot of ADDers have trouble falling asleep at night, especially if they don't take time to relax before bed. They suffer from Hamster Wheel Brain (HWB), more commonly referred to as racing thoughts.

The best thing you can do, as the partner of someone with HWB, is to be a calming presence. Keep your energy low and encourage your partner to join you in relaxing activities. Eventually the little hamster will take a break from the wheel.

 

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Dinner's ready! Oh wait...

One of the most efficient systems that Jen and I have for managing our household is actually a very simple one: Jen cooks, and I clean. She's an amazing cook, and I like to take my anger out on soap scum, so everyone wins.

Dinner is the one actual meal we eat every day. Breakfast is kind of a free-for-all and lunch is...who am I kidding, we never have lunch. So dinner is that much more exciting, and it's something I really look forward to.

But I've learned over the years not to get my hopes up for eating at a certain time. Whatever time Jen says dinner is going to be ready, I always tack on an extra hour in my mind. Then when she says, "Honey, I'm sorry. I got distracted doing something for work. The chicken needs to stay in the oven a little longer," I say, "That's okay. I wasn't expecting to eat for another hour anyway."

 

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I'll Take Door Number 3!

Jen and I are both big television fans. We're not couch potatoes, but we do have certain shows we never miss (like LOST and Nip/Tuck) and we both like to channel surf as a way to relax and unwind at the end of the day. And we tend to like the same kinds of shows, which is great. A lot of couples butt heads over what to watch.

The only thing that gets to me is that Jen, in typical ADD fashion, goes through television viewing phases. For example, she used to really like shows about home renovation. I got into them, too, because she always had on HGTV.

But then she lost interest (as ADDers do) in the home shows and started watching cooking. Still fine by me. I don't cook, but I like to admire the process from a distance.

Then she moved from cooking to gardening. Then from gardening to travel. From travel, she went to science, then to crime, and now she's into game shows.

Game shows.

I have no problem with game shows, as long as they're not those awful ones on weeknights like Deal or No Deal or Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I like the old game shows that air on GSN, the ones from the 70's and 80's like Card Sharks and Tic Tac Dough. Anything with polyester suits. And luckily, those are the ones Jen is into right now.

But I know it's only a matter of time before she pulls the rug out from under me and moves onto another genre! It's so unfair. I get used to watching something, and then it's "Oh I don't care about that show anymore. What else is on?"

I'm happy with the way things are right now. I don't want her to get bored of old game shows and move on to something awful like Sex and the City reruns. Then I'll be forced to find a new way to relax!

 

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Let me get that for you.

Jen wrote a post on her blog a few weeks ago that people are still discussing in the comments. The original post was about how Jen manipulates me into taking on her responsibilities, but she actually functions much better on her own, without relying on me to pick up the slack.

I wanted to weigh in on this topic, because it's one of the biggest issues in our relationship (and evidently of other people's relationships). I've touched on it before, but it deserves more attention.

There's a second layer to the problem. There are times when Jen guilts me into doing things, but sometimes she doesn't even have to guilt me.

I take on more responsibility around the house because I know it bothers me a lot less than it bothers Jen. That's really the bottom line.

I'll give you an example. Last night, the temperature suddenly dropped to well below freezing, with gusting winds that nearly swept Rascal off his feet. It was Jen's turn to walk the dogs, but knowing how sensitive she is to extreme weather, I took them myself. She didn't try to guilt me into doing it, I just got up and did it, because I didn't want her to "suffer".

Though my intentions may sound noble, it's totally unhealthy to constantly try to shield your partner from life's unpleasantness (someone in the comments referred to it as "over-functioning" for them, which I thought was a perfect description). Everyone has to do things they'd rather not do, and even though Jen is a wonderful person, she's not exempt from that rule.

Not to mention the biggest consequence of over-functioning for Jen -- it interferes with her structure!

The trouble lies in knowing where to draw the line. Take the example of walking the dogs last night. I've got two conflicting bits of information in my head. On the one hand, walking the dogs in the midst of an arctic blast would suck for Jen on a scale of 10 out of 10, where for me it would suck maybe 6 out of 10. But on the other hand, Jen is a healthy and capable adult, and I had walked the dogs several times already that day. Plus, walking the dogs at night is part of Jen's regular routine and structure. It's predictable, and it helps her ADD brain make sense of the world.

Looking at it objectively, the best solution might have been a trade off. Something like, "Honey, I know you hate to go out when it's this cold, so I will walk the dogs if you load the dishwasher." That way, Jen would still have to engage and I wouldn't be over-functioning. Plus, putting it out there gives her the chance to say, "No thanks. Even though it's cold, I could use some fresh air."

The key here is communication. When in doubt, talk it out. I just made that up and it rhymes.

Do you find yourself over-functioning for your ADD partner, out of manipulation or sympathy or both? How could you work it out so things are more balanced?

 

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Patron of the Arts of Distraction

Just last week, I joined a community choral ensemble so I'd have someplace to sing again (it's been awhile). The people are really friendly and I can tell it's going to be a lot of fun. For the spring season, we're doing a concert of Broadway songs. I'm psyched.

But poor Jen has to come to the concert.

Jen hates musicals to begin with, and coupled with her ADD, sitting through a musical or choral concert is tortuously boring (which makes sense for someone who lives and breathes rock music). Early on in our relationship, I took her to see Sondheim's A Little Night Music at the New York City Opera. Trooper that she is, she sat there for 3 hours with gritted teeth, never letting on that she was going quietly insane from boredom. When I asked her afterwards what she thought about it, she alluded to something about it not being Robert Plant, whoever that is.

But of course I still want her to come to my concert. So I said to her, "Honey, the day of the concert, make sure your cell phone is charged so you can play Tetris."

And she answered, "Oh thanks, but I don't need to play games on my cell phone. Whenever I have to go to something boring, I just come up with a problem that I have to think about or solve. That way when I get bored, I can shift gears and focus on that for awhile."

Good advice for any ADDer that has to endure their partner's boring hobby. I'm sure I would do the same if Guns N' Roses got back together and I was dragged to a concert. Perish the thought.

 

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Tech Support Support

Last week, I was plagued with technical difficulties. First, I lost my Internet connection. Then there was a problem with my email. Then a part of my computer overheated. Then I had to debug something that may as well have been written in Swahili.

I'm not the type of person whose feathers are easily ruffled. But computer problems send me over the edge. I hate not knowing how to fix something, especially when it comes to technology. To make matters worse, phone support for most products is no longer free.

I figure if I get overwhelmed so easily by computer problems, people with ADD must really have it rough. If your partner tends to be overwhelmed by everyday life, you are probably the better person to deal with tech support.

With that in mind, there are a few things I try to remember in times of technology-induced stress that you may find helpful:

1. Don't panic.
Ask yourself, "What is the worst that could happen?" Worst case scenario, you will have to spend some money for live tech support. As long as you're backing up important files on a regular basis (we use ibackup.com), you don't have to worry about losing all your data.

2. Don't blame yourself.
No one expects you to have the same level of knowledge as an IT professional (unless, of course, you are one). I tend to berate myself for being bad with technology. But that doesn't help the problem, and it gets in the way of finding a solution.

3. Get help.
If you're dealing with a program or a piece of hardware that offers only pay-for-play customer support, you may have to suck it up and pay. If you want to pursue other options first, you can search online for user forums for that particular product, or go to your local bookstore and pick up a "for Dummies" book on the subject.

What kinds of things do you do to manage stress over technology problems? Share your ideas in the comments!

 

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Learning to Love the Winter Blues

January is the coldest month of the year here in New York State. And even if it does seem to be getting warmer every year, the cold weather still has a subduing effect on many people. Also, there are only 9 hours of daylight (as opposed to 15 hours in June and July), making people feel tired and sluggish.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a legitimate problem for many people. Individuals affected by SAD have severe difficulty motivating themselves to do ordinary things in the winter months. People with SAD should speak to a doctor about effective treatments (and there are many).

The rest of us have a simple case of the winter blues. Most people who live in cold climates slow down in the winter. They sleep more, eat more, socialize less, and take on fewer projects and commitments. It's completely normal! Just like a hibernating bear.

The problem is a lot of people beat themselves up for not being more productive in winter, especially adults with ADD, who have a tendency to beat themselves up to begin with. If your partner has been down on themselves for feeling unmotivated or lazy, here is my advice.

Encourage them to enjoy hibernation! There is no shame in the pursuit of coziness! Here are a few ideas of winter activities you can do together:

• Do a jigsaw puzzle
• Crochet a blanket
• Make a scrapbook
• Cook a warm, hearty meal
• Catch up on movies you want to rent
• Play a board game
• Bake cookies

If your partner rolls their eyes at your suggestions (which mine did), ask them to come up with some of their own ideas. Winter is not the time to be cleaning the garage or having dinner with a different friend every weekend. There will be plenty of time (and energy) for that come spring.

What activities do you like to do in the winter months? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

 

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