So I Married an ADDer

When Your ADD Partner Dresses the Baby

If you read my partner Jennifer's blog (or follow her on Twitter or Facebook or subscribe to our newsletter, or if you've found one of our carrier pigeons), then you know we welcomed our first child, a little girl named Tigerlily, earlier this year. (For details and pictures, see Jen's blog post announcing the birth.)

Today I would like to show you what happens when your ADD partner dresses the baby:

Evidently, Jen got completely distracted and put the baby's pants on before snapping the onesie. I'm just glad she didn't leave the house like that!

Welcome, ADDitude Readers!

A very big welcome to everyone who read about this blog in ADDitude Magazine! An excerpt from this post is featured in the Summer 2011 issue on page 27. And on page 29, an article by my partner, Jennifer Koretsky. ADDitude is a great magazine for people and families affected by AD/HD. Lots of great articles and resources.

While it's true that I've been scarce, I plan to resume posting more often, sharing funny stories and advice for partners of people with AD/HD.

So once again, welcome!

For Partners of People with ADD: All in the Family

It's been suggested that ADD is largely hereditary. Many people come to us for coaching or sign up for the Virtual AD/HD Conference after their son or daughter is diagnosed, sparking the discovery that their own challenges have been ADD all along.

I wrote a post about four years ago after Jen's Uncle Kenny had us on our back porch in the middle of the night, in the freezing cold, trying to identify stars with an overpriced electronic "star finder" that had no batteries and was set to the wrong date.

Uncle Kenny certainly has some undiagnosed ADD, but the real culprit in Jen's family is her mother, Rita.

Rita is classic ADD. The way she organizes her home makes sense only to her. The linen closet between the bedrooms is a food pantry. Family photos are kept only in department store shirt boxes, with the last four decades sharing equal representation in each box. She is physically unable to remain seated during Thanksgiving dinner because she forgets to put out the butter, the salt, the gravy, and did you want more turkey? You get the point.

I went shopping with my dear mother-in-law earlier this week, and she drove. I had never been in her car before. When we came out of the mall, I glanced at her dashboard clock and was surprised to see that it was only 4:04.

Me: Wow, I can't believe it's only 4:04! It felt like we were there a lot longer.

Rita: It's not 4:04, it's 5:04.

Me: But the clock says 4:04. Here, let me change it for you...

Rita: No!!! Don't touch it!

Me: Why not? Daylight Savings started back in March. It's August!

Rita: But it ends in November, and then the clock will be wrong again!

Me: So your clock only shows the correct time four months out of the year?

Rita: Yes, I like it that way! By the time I get around to changing it, it's always time to change it back. So I just leave it.

It baffles me that anyone could live with, let alone prefer, a clock displaying the wrong time. Harken back to my blog post from two years ago about the clock in Jen's office (which by the way is still there, and still wrong).

I guess the ADD apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Is ADD present in your partner’s family, too? Tell me about it in the comments!

 

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For Partners of People with AD/HD: Suck It

Let's face it. Very few people actually like to clean, but everybody has to do it. In our house, we have two shedding dogs who, for reasons known only to them, enjoy rolling around on the carpet. And the vast majority of our house is wall-to-wall carpeting. So we have to vacuum more than most people.

The problem is, Jen and I both hate doing it. Especially Jen. It's boring, tiresome, and the worst part is no matter how great a job you do, you have to vacuum again within a day or two. So I'm the one that usually ends up vacuuming. Frankly, it sucks. (Pun totally intended.)

But we had a bit of excitement recently that turned our usual routine upside down: we got a new vacuum. 

Our old vacuum went to the big carpet in the sky, and we desperately needed to replace it. The new one is much lighter to maneuver and has infinitely better suction. And the best part? It has a light that turns red when the floor is dirty and green when the floor is clean.

I was looking forward to the arrival of our new vacuum, but it was actually Jen who was the most excited, believe it or not. She couldn't wait to open the box! I knew I had to take full advantage of her sudden, unexpected enthusiasm.

So my advice for getting your ADD partner to do the dirty work? Play up the novelty of the situation. 

Jen couldn't get enough of the clean/dirty light on the new vacuum. It was like a game to her. So I kept pointing out how cool it was, along with all the other favorable comparisons to our old vacuum.

"Honey, how great is the self-propel feature? You barely have to push!"

"I've never seen a vacuum that color before! What would you call that, electric blue?"

"Did I tell you this vacuum is the Anniversary Edition?"

My strategy worked. Jen played with her new toy all day. She vacuumed the entire house and actually managed to enjoy it...which means I didn't have to lift a finger. Let's just hope the novelty doesn't wear off anytime soon!

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For Partners of People with AD/HD: WTF Are You Talking About?

People with ADD are known for speaking impulsively and speaking out of context. They also have very little patience for formality. Jen is no exception.

Last night, I was washing the dishes and Jen was in the living room. We weren't even having a conversation. Then, out of nowhere, she yells to me, "Of course now he has raw sheep cheese!"

Wrap your head around that one. 

I had to first figure out who has raw sheep cheese and why having it now is so upsetting.

I am a pro at this. I can carry on a perfectly fine conversation with Jen without knowing what she's talking about for a good three or four sentences.

Several times a day, she will walk into a room and say something completely random that she just expects me to understand. In the beginning, my response was usually, "What the hell are you talking about?" But now I'm so used to it that I can jump right in.

Here are my 3 easy steps for carrying on a conversation with your ADD partner when you don't actually know what the conversation is about:

Step #1: Rephrase and Repeat

Rephrase what your partner just said and repeat it back to them:

"Now he has raw sheep cheese?"

Step #2: Mirror Their Emotions

Mimic the emotion your partner is feeling to show that you agree.

"That bastard!"

Step #3: Move it Forward

Ask an open-ended question about the situation to gain some clarity.

"Now what are you going to do?"

This will ideally move the conversation toward a conclusion, or at least shed some light on what's being discussed.

To be honest, I'm still not sure what the sheep cheese thing was about. Just don't tell Jen!

Does your ADD partner say things completely out of context that you're expected to understand? Tell me about it in the comments.

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For Partners of People with AD/HD: Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

If you share your life and your home with an ADDer, you're all too familiar with the concept of "shifting attention". One minute, your partner is passionately involved in a new hobby; next week, that hobby has been abandoned for a better hobby. This happens because people with ADD get bored very easily. Something that captivates them now may grow tiresome or even intolerable over time.

Let me tell you about our garden.

Last summer, Jen wanted to plant a small vegetable garden in the backyard. She bought all the supplies at Home Depot, built a raised bed, filled it with soil, and planted tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, broccoli, and onions. She tended to it religiously throughout the summer, and we had some really nice vegetables! Jen really took a lot of pride in her garden.

Before

This year, Jen has no interest in gardening.

After

As you can see, the planting bed has lost one of its sides, and grass and weeds have grown in where the veggies once thrived. The lawn guys have even been weed-whacking it, which is a little embarrassing. The neighbors are probably thinking, "What the hell happened to their garden?"

But I'm totally used to this. Jen always has something new and exciting going on in her life. Me? I've had the same two hobbies for the better part of 30 years. It's rare that I try to take up something new (ask me about the scarf I've been knitting for six years). 

In contrast, Jen has a long history of getting really into something and then getting so bored of it that she never looks back.

A few years ago, she got interested in making beaded jewelry. She spent a fair amount of money on supplies—she even asked for beads for her birthday. She made some really impressive stuff, too! She had a genuine talent for it. I was wearing a different necklace to work every day! Then, suddenly, she put away the supplies, and they've been sitting in the closet ever since. There are at least a dozen unfinished necklaces in there, not to mention all the unused beads. 

So I'm not surprised that the vegetable garden has fallen by the wayside. It doesn't bother me. I actually like the fact that Jen will always be onto bigger and better things. You know why? Because it keeps things interesting. There is always something for us to talk about!

I just can't offer you any tomatoes this year.

Does your ADDer bounce from one interest to the next? Tell me about it in the comments below.

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Got Clutter?

It's that time of year again, when the weather starts to get nice and warm, your calendar starts to fill up, and you take a look around your house and think, "Where did all this crap come from?"

I'm totally with you. Spring, for me, is a slap in the face for sitting on my ass all winter. I am a total hibernator in the cold, and once the cold is gone, certain areas of my house still look like a bear is living there.

As you know, I don't have ADD, but that doesn't mean I don't have clutter. I think with few exceptions, everyone has certain spots in their house that they wish were neater or better organized. For me, it's my basement and the closet in my office. For you, it might be your kitchen cabinets or your desk. But we all have those areas that drive us crazy.

For people with ADD, it can be a bit more serious than that. Clutter is a continual challenge, and often the clutter takes over more than just one or two areas. The thought of doing something about it can feel so overwhelming that the clutter just builds and builds over time, until it feels impossible to deal with.

After working through her own issues with clutter and coaching hundreds of ADDers on decluttering and organizing their physical spaces, Jen has developed and perfected a system for getting rid of clutter and keeping it from coming back. Every spring in the ADD Clutter Busters Workgroup, she brings together a group of people each working on their own clutter. Each week for three weeks, she introduces one step in the process, and then everyone works on just that step until the next week's class. It really works—we've gotten so much great feedback from people. This year's workgroup begins just two weeks from today, on May 5th. You can read all about it at http://www.addmanagement.com/coaching/clutterbusters.html. 

I will be honest with you—when I am tackling a closet or a drawer, I use Jen's system for getting rid of clutter. I used to love Clean Sweep on TLC, and I love Clean House on the Style network, but Jen's system works better than theirs. It's the same system as our Kiss Your Clutter Goodbye! Coaching Toolkit, but the workgroup has the benefit of being interactive, not to mention the accountability factor. Plus it's so much cheaper than hiring a professional organizer or dropping a whole paycheck at the Container Store. I can't say enough good things about it.

I know a lot of people with ADD read this blog, and I encourage you to check out the ADD Clutter Busters Workgroup. And for you non-ADD spouses like me, please share this with your partners. The workgroup begins in just two weeks and it's filling up fast!

You can also save money by signing up for both the ADD Clutter Busters Workgroup and our Time Management Masters Seminar which begins June 2nd. (I will do a separate blog post about that one next time, but it's equally awesome.)

I hope you'll join us!

For Partners of People with AD/HD: All Aboard

It's been quite awhile since you've heard from me, and for that I apologize. Thank you all for continuing to post your comments and share your experiences! I don't take a single one of you for granted, and I promise to start posting more often.

It's been a busy couple of months, both at the ADD Management Group and on the home front! Jen and I just took our first cruise together (and our first real vacation since 2005—yikes!), and the experience gave me a lot of insight into vacationing with an ADDer. 

This was my first cruise, and I'll be honest—the thing I was most looking forward to was NOT having to plan and execute an itinerary. Every single vacation I've taken as an adult has involved an itinerary—where are we going, how are we getting there, what are we eating, and do I need to bring a sweater? There's a lot of planning involved, and depending on your travel companion, a lot of herding. I end up feeling like a control freak, Jen ends up getting annoyed, and nobody has a good time.

Sidebar: Does anyone remember the episode of Full House when the family went to Hawaii, and Bob Saget brought his "Clipboard of Fun"? It had all their activities planned out, and everyone moaned and groaned about it until ultimately it got thrown into the Pacific Ocean. Think of me as Bob Saget.

Anyway, every other time I've traveled with Jen she's moaned and groaned about my itineraries. She has ADD, and therefore she needs some flexibility in order to relax and have a good time. I definitely understand that, and it's not like I love being rigid (especially on vacation), so taking a cruise was a perfect solution.

I'm going to tell you straight up—if traveling with your ADDer stresses both of you out, take a cruise. Everything is taken care of for you. All you need to do is read the little newsletter they leave in your room each night and get a feel for how you might want to spend the next day. There was so much to choose from—everything from bingo, to martini tastings, to trivia contests, to health and wellness workshops—or you could just lounge poolside. There was a spa, a gym, an arcade, a bowling alley, and too many restaurants, bars and lounges to count. Every night there was a show (Jen graciously accompanied me to one of them—a gaudy, blowout musical tribute to the 1970s—and then spent showtime playing slots in the casino the rest of the week).

We didn't need an itinerary, and yet we never got bored, which is a perfect situation for someone with ADD. There was always something to do, and you could be as flexible as you wanted to be, which Jen really appreciated.

Even at the ports of call, there was no need to stress. You just picked what you wanted to do, and there was someone there to guide you. I literally did not use my brain for 7 days. I was a pain in the ass to no one.

So if you're thinking about your next vacation, and dreading having to coerce your ADD partner to follow an itinerary, I strongly suggest you scrap those plans and start researching cruises. Maybe we'll see you there! 

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Married to Distraction at the Virtual AD/HD Conference

Readers of this blog, take note! Dr. Edward Hallowell will be our opening keynote speaker at the Virtual AD/HD Conference, coming up in less than 3 weeks. And his session will be of particular interest to you, because it's about the effects of AD/HD on relationships!

In his keynote address that promises to be fun, informative, and uplifting, Dr. Hallowell will be discussing topics from his upcoming book, Married to Distraction. Dr. Hallowell will present an overview of how AD/HD affects marriage, and he will point out the implications that AD/HD has on a marriage. He will review the consistent patterns that exist in marriages where one or more partners has AD/HD. And finally, Dr. Hallowell will present key elements to overcome these patterns.

In this session, you'll:

• Identify the consistent patterns that exist in marriages where one or more partners have AD/HD
• Understand the patterns that affect marriages where one
• Learn the key elements of successfully overcoming these patterns

Dr. Hallowell is just one of 26 top doctors, authors, and experts who will be presenting at the Virtual AD/HD Conference. If you're planning to join us, now is the best time to sign up! Registration prices will increase $50 as of September 28th. So don't hesitate--register today at http://www.ADHDconference.com!

For Partners of People with AD/HD: Not Enough Cooks in the Kitchen

The new film Julie & Julia is inspiring a lot of people to get in the kitchen and learn how to cook. Personally, I have not seen the film because Jen, my ADD partner, hates going to the movies. I'll catch it when it comes on HBO.

Even though I haven't seen the movie, I've come to the realization that I'm not getting any younger, and I need to learn how to cook at least something. I've been relying on Jen's phenomenal cooking for my entire adult life. It's high time I got in the kitchen and actually cooked something myself.

As my family will tell you, I'm a disaster in the kitchen. Even when I follow a recipe, everything comes out either burned or undercooked, and completely devoid of taste. In fact, I'm lucky that Jen is such an excellent cook, otherwise I'd be eating cereal every night.

But this summer, I've been making an effort to cook more. So far I've made roast beef, steak, hamburgers, and chicken breasts. They haven't been the greatest meals of my life, but they were edible, and that's an achievement!

So just as Julie had Julia, I had hoped to have Jen to guide me on this journey. But as it turns out, she's no help at all.

People with ADD tend to have little to no interest in details. Jen is a big picture thinker, and she's a big picture cook. Her impressive repertoire has been established not by following recipes to the letter, but through creativity and gut instinct. So when I ask questions in the kitchen, I get vague, almost philosophical answers:

"Jen, when do I flip the steak?"
"You'll know by looking at it."

"Jen, how much seasoning should I use?"
"Taste it and see."

"Jen, what should the internal temperature of the meat be?"
"You'll know when it's done."

Because Jen cooks by instinct and by experience, she's incapable of giving me the details that I need in order to make a successful meal. It's very frustrating, but we laugh about it.

Maybe I should take a cue from Jen, not worry about the details so much, and learn to trust my gut. Or I could learn from Julia Child and drop everything on the floor!

P.S. The Virtual AD/HD Conference is fast approaching! We're hard at work behind the scenes making it even better than last year. Join 26 of the top doctors and experts in the field of AD/HD, along with hundreds of your peers. Register today at http://www.ADHDconference.com

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