How To Divide the Household Labor in an ADD Marriage

Well it seems that this ADD/marriage discussion has really struck a cord with many of you!

A client emailed me today and mentioned that she and her partner also struggle with the division of household chores. She agrees that it's not good for her when her partner takes up the slack. However, she struggles to maintain progress on the chores and tasks she's responsible for, losing momentum after a couple of weeks.

Housework is a sore spot in many relationships, mine included. Believe me, Erin and I have many discussions (and fights) about this. But there are ways to minimize the conflict.

Here's what I suggest to all couples who need some help in this area:

1. Have a meeting to discuss what needs to be done, and how often. Be very specific about what each task entails. "Clean up the kitchen at night" isn't good enough. Figure out what needs to be done (dishes, counters, leftovers) in order for everyone to be happy with the finished job. Write it all down! Making a spreadsheet or chart is a good idea.
2. Determine the division of labor based on a few considerations.
   1. Who likes to do what? Or, at the very least, who doesn't mind doing what?
   2. Who is better at what? Who gets less frustrated with certain tasks?
   3. Who was the time? Sometimes one partner works more or spends more time out of the house, and you may want to account for this. Deciding on the best division of labor doesn't necessarily mean splitting it down the middle.
3. For the ADDer, and perhaps the other partner as well, determine when the tasks will be done.
4. Create a plan to deal with problems. If either person slacks off, what is the other person’s responsibility? To gently point it out? To talk about the problem? To negotiate taking over the  chores that aren't getting done in exchange for something else? Agree on the best course of action up front, so no one gets pissed off later.

If you'd like to read more on this topic, have a look at these posts on my blog and Erin's blog:

• What About Me? Wednesday: When Your Partner is Stressed
• Tough Love for Adults with ADD
• Adult ADD is an Explanation Not an Excuse
• Let Me Get That For You

Comments

[Attentive]

Regard #1:

If I recall correctly, I remember Erin writing a blog about how hard it is to get you to have a meeting with her. :)

Also, in regards to drawing up a spreadsheet or chart: wouldn't this overwhelm the ADD'er seeing all those figures, graphs, symbols etc?