I've never been shy about admitting that I'm a reality show junkie. I have been ever since the very first season of The Real World on MTV. Many years later, the cable channel Bravo has taken over as the reality show leader, with gems like Top Chef, The Real Housewives, and--one of my favorites--The Millionaire Matchmaker.
The Millionaire Matchmaker centers around Patti Stanger, who founded "The Millionaire's Club." You probably heard about this type of business long before the show premiered. Patti sets up rich, ugly guys with zero personality with hot, young chicks. (Occasionally there's a millionairess who is, ahem, "looking for love," but it's mostly skeezy guys.) Cutting through the bullshit, the men want trophy wives/girlfriends, and the women want sugar daddies.
I recently got a taste of this firsthand when spending time with a family friend, who is one of those hot, young chicks, and her sugar daddy. I couldn't help observing that being one of those trophy partners is a job in and of itself. While the sugar daddies have the easy job of spending lots of money, the trophies have a much harder job: they have to feign interest.
Now I'm no young hottie, and I'd never be accepted into Patti Stanger's club. But watching these two interact, I realized that I could never be a gold digger for one, overwhelming reason: I'd be really fucking bored.
As you know, I have AD/HD, and if you're reading this post then you probably have AD/HD, too. So think about this with me: how hard would it be to keep a sugar daddy or sugar momma?
- You have to pretend to be interested in what they have to say. Really, I think it's safe to say
that they're all narcissists who just loooooove to talk about themselves. Have you ever gotten cornered at the office or at a party by someone who just wanted to go on and on about themselves, when you could care less? I used to be polite and just stand there pretending to listen while my mind drifted elsewhere. But the older I get, the less willing I am to suffer fools.
- You have to sit through long, lingering meals. I love good food. But I'm a pain in the ass at slow-paced restaurants. Don't get me wrong, I actually really appreciate the slow-food movement, and the best restaurants really do embrace that culture. But I still get antsy. I don't like to sit anywhere for too long. You could take me to the most expensive restaurant in Paris and I guarantee that, at some point, I will cut you off mid-sentence to say, "Where the hell is the fooooood?!?"
- You have to attend social functions with even more boring sugar daddies. Sure, I'd probably use the opportunity to share gold-digging tips with other trophies, and that would be interesting for a little while. But I don't dare go to a movie that lasts longer than two hours. I can't even imagine having to stand around being quiet and looking pretty while listening to all those narcissists go on and on about themselves and their money until the early morning hours. I think I'd actually rather sit through a ridiculously long James Cameron movie.
- And, probably the most difficult part of all, you have to have sex with them. I'll leave this one to your imagination. But if you think dinners and social functions are boring, just imagine what a boring nightmare sex would be.
It all comes down to this: Boredom is torture to my AD/HD brain, and I'd rather be poor and occupied than rich and bored. But maybe it speaks to my credit that I'd make a lousy gold digger.
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