Experiencing ADDvantages

ADD Management Video Blog: Being Different

Welcome to the very first episode of the ADD Management Video Blog!

Please feel free to tell me what you think about it in the comments field below!

Adults with AD/HD: Are You Trying to Take on Too Much at Once?

Lately it seems that many of my clients are struggling with a form of ADD impulsiveness that we're all familiar with: wanting to make a positive change in life, and expecting it to happen instantly.

As a result, I'm seeing people who are taking on too much at once, and then getting down on themselves for not being able to continue the actions and sustain the results. In a sense, they are setting themselves up to fail.

Maybe you have--or currently are--experiencing something similar?

Adults with ADD run into this problem all the time, in lots of situations. It's the nature of ADD: new ideas and goals seem fun and interesting, so you jump into one head first, only to find that your interest wanes and the goal gets abandoned. Bad feelings usually follow.

The problem isn't the goal, however, and it isn't you, either! It's more likely that you're just trying to take on too much at once.

One of the hardest things for an adult with ADD to learn is that change takes time. We decide on a change that we want to make, and then expect that the decision alone will ensure success. Unfortunately, this just isn't true.

Real change doesn't happen quickly. It happens piece by piece, and it comes in levels of success. If you try to rush the process, overwhelm can easily set in, at which point it just becomes too difficult to stick to your plans. Some common experiences among adults with ADD include:

Trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle, only to find yourself back on the couch a few days later, overindulging in pizza and ice cream.

Becoming so engaged in a new hobby that you enjoy it every day for hours at a time, only to forget all about it in a week.

Cleaning out a closet to near perfection, only to find yourself throwing stuff in there and messing it up again just a few days later.

When this happens, you end up feeling bad about yourself, and asking questions like "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get it together?"

The answer is simple: there is nothing wrong with you! You just tried to take on too much at once.

Change is much more sustainable when you adopt it piece by piece. So instead of jumping in head first, you take a more balanced approach:

You focus on drinking more water during the day. And when that is no longer a challenge, you work on making exercise a regular habit.

When you become interested in a new hobby, you sign up for a weekly class to ensure that you stick with it.

You first clear the clutter out of your closet. Then you create organizational systems. Then you create structure to ensure follow-through.

This slow-and-steady-wins-the-race approach is an unfamiliar concept for many adults with ADD. But it works!

The key is to identify layers (or steps) of the main goal that you can apply one at a time. You work on achieving a small success, and then build on it with another small success when you're ready.

The results aren't always quick, but when positive changes are implemented slowly, they have a much better chance of sticking.

I hope this has been a helpful reminder! And if you have thoughts on this subject, please do share them in the comments field below.

Want to Make a Change? Create a Personal Theme for 2009

In the last issue of the ADD Management Guide, I encouraged everyone to avoid making New Year's Resolutions. Generally, people commit to their new behavior for 17 days before completely giving up. A knock in self-esteem always follows. So why bother?

Instead, I suggested an exercise in reflection to increase awareness of your challenges and successes in the previous year, and to identify some positive intentions for 2009. Now it's time to take that notion a step further.

What if, instead of locking yourself into a rigid set of rules, you resolved to focus on a specific area that's important to you? I'm talking about creating a theme for the New Year.

When you have a theme in mind for yourself, you can continually focus on making improvements in one area all year long. There are no rules and no dents in self-esteem, just a general commitment to remain focused on making improvements in a specific area of your life.

To aid you in this endeavor, you can create a question that you use to check in with yourself on a regular basis.

Here are some examples:

Theme: The Year of the Authentic Self
Goal: To focus on being yourself with no anxiety or apologies, to express yourself fully and develop better self-esteem.
Question: Will this statement/action reveal my authentic self?

Theme: The Year of Better Health
Goal: To focus on making choices that will improve general health and well being.
Question: Will this action lead to better health?

Theme: The Year of Diminished Debt
Goal: To focus on eliminating debt.
Question: Will this action/purchase decrease my debt?

In all these examples, asking yourself a very simple 'yes or no' question will help you build awareness and make good decisions based on what you want to be doing.

My theme for 2009 is "The Year of Speaking the Truth." This is actually an exercise in boundaries for me. It's about being unapologetic for the choices that I make. It's also about being honest with myself about how I feel. The question I'll be asking myself is "Am I honoring/speaking my truth?"

In the past few years, I've found that creating a theme for my year is much more effective than simply making resolutions. It requires more mental attention, but it produces much greater (and more fulfilling) results in the long haul.

And I've seen too many clients, colleagues, and friends damage their self-esteem by setting themselves up with unrealistic resolutions that they just couldn't follow through on. So if you don't want to be one of them this year, then consider implementing a personal theme for 2009.

Got a theme for the New Year? Please share it with us in the comments! And feel free to share any other thoughts you have on this topic, too.

Reflections, Not Resolutions, for Adults with ADD

At the start of a New Year, we often find ourselves thinking about all the things we didn't accomplish the prior year, and we vow to accomplish them this year.

Few of us take the time to reflect on the past year and look at our successes and the experiences that we have learned from.

It's actually right around this time (the second and third week of January) that many people begin to have difficulty keeping up with their resolutions. Naturally, disappointment, frustration, and low self-esteem are likely to follow from what we perceive as "failure."

So rather than beating yourself up for not being able to stick to a New Year's Resolution, try taking a different route.

I'd like to offer you a coaching exercise that will help you reflect on what's really important to you, and create meaningful intentions for 2009. It is this kind of self-awareness that ultimately leads to action in the areas of your life that are most important to you.

To do this coaching exercise, set aside 15-30 minutes to think about, write about, or talk about your answers to the following questions:

Looking back on 2008...

What were your successes?

What did you do or accomplish that you haven't given yourself credit for?

What unrealistic expectations did you hold yourself to?

What one thing would you do over, if given the opportunity?

What lessons did you learn from that experience?

Looking forward in 2009...

What one goal did you want to accomplish in 2008 that you weren't able to?

Why was this goal important to you?

What got in your way of achieving this goal?

What are you willing to do differently to accomplish this goal in the future?

Looking at yourself...

Who are the people that you are most grateful for?

Which of your strengths and skills are you most grateful for?

What is your best quality?

How will you use these strengths, skills, and qualities to help you move forward in life?

Would you like to share what comes up for you in this coaching exercise? If so, please feel free to post your thoughts and reflections in the comments!

10 Steps to a Better Brain Part 7: Automatic Negative Thoughts

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

I am no stranger to negative thoughts.  I so often catch myself running totally useless information through my brain instead of concentrating on what I need to concentrate on.  It wastes time and it wastes energy for the important things.

The following is one of Dr. Daniel Amen's most notable thoughts about ADD:

"Correct the negative thinking patterns that put your brain at risk for anxiety, depression, relationship and job problems. 

Most people are never taught to correct the Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) that infest their brains.  Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts.  Thoughts often tell you lies and fill you with fear.  If you never question or challenge the negative thoughts that go through your brain you believe them and these erroneous little bugs can ruin your life. 

You need to develop an internal anteater to keep your brain healthy.  Whenever you feel sad, mad, or nervous, write down the automatic thoughts that go through your mind, if they are negative and distorted, talk back to them.  You do not have to believe every thought you have."

Try this idea of writing things down.  You may find that it helps work out some of the problems you are dealing with and starts to free your brain for thoughts that matter.  It has certainly helped me!

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

The Economy and Your ADD

The 'doom and gloom' is upon us. It's in the papers, on the web, and all over the TV. Your friends, family, and neighbors can't stop talking about it.

The 'economic crisis' is on everyone's mind, and fear and anxiety are everywhere. Is it affecting you and your ADD?

If you're weathering the storm without feeling overly fearful and anxious, then bravo! I applaud you and encourage you to keep doing whatever is working for you.

However, if you're experiencing an abundance of negative thoughts and anxiety about the current financial climate, then keep reading.

What I don't want to talk about today is finance and economics. I'm not qualified to advise anyone in this regard.

What I am qualified to talk about is how a climate of fear and anxiety can wreak havoc on an ADDer, and what you can do about it. So let's begin by briefly looking at the reasons why ADDers in particular are having a difficult time right now.

First, adults with ADD are 'spongy.' We have a tendency to absorb our environments. So if we're surrounded by good news and happy, positive people, then we feel great. But if we're surrounded by bad news and worried and anxious people, then we can quickly find ourselves feeling worried and anxious, too.

Second, adults with ADD also have a tendency towards negative thoughts, rumination, and general anxiety. Anxiety is a very common co-existing condition for adults with ADD. Anxiety can increase ADD challenges, and ADD challenges can increase anxiety.

So you can see how the everyday challenges of ADD and/or anxiety combined with financial woes and a media circus can easily send an adult with ADD into a tailspin!

Specifically, I've been hearing from adults with ADD about how difficult it's been to:

• Stay focused at work without getting distracted by the financial news stories and updates.
• Reassure their family members (especially aging parents) that things will be okay.
• Fall asleep at night when they are so worried about their jobs and mortgages.

In response to these concerns, I've compiled an 'ADD Management Action Plan' to help you move forward in the present moment. Remember, this is NOT financial advice. It IS about managing your ADD when things are particularly stressful.

ADD Management Action Plan

1. Cut down on media time. This means television news, newspapers, and online news. It might also mean cutting off conversations with 'chicken little' types who want to dump their own anxiety on you.

In order to manage your own anxiety, you have to remove yourself from everyone else's. You can get all the news and information you need by watching one news broadcast, reading one newspaper, or visiting one website. Limit your news time to no more than 30 minutes a day.

2. Manage the everyday stress in your life. The overriding theme of my book Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD and my coaching is that Stress Management = ADD Management.

The more you control your stress, the easier it becomes to control your ADD challenges. You'll need to be calm, centered, and relatively stress-free in order to make good decisions about your finances and your future.

3. Stop brooding and take action. Express your fears, worries, and anxiety to the appropriate people. You might have some legitimate concerns about your job, your mortgage, and your retirement savings. Talk to your spouse, your financial adviser, your accountant, or anyone else you need to. Seek solid explanations for the things you don't understand. Get the facts before you make assumptions.

Additionally, talk out your anxiety when you feel it setting in. Journal about it if you have to. Don't let those thoughts swim around in your head and become rumination!

And if you can't seem to get a hold on your anxiety no matter what you do, then don't hesitate to talk to your doctor or a therapist.

Remember, you're not alone. Many ADDers are having a hard time coping right now. But you CAN do something about it!

How is the current economic situation affecting YOUR ADD? Please share your thoughts on in the comments field!

Managing Adult ADD is Like Riding a Bike

You've no doubt felt at least a tinge of overwhelm this week, as summer has 'officially' ended and September is here! It's back to school, back to the big projects at work, and back to life as we know it. And, dare I say it, stores have even begun busting out their holiday merchandise! Talk about pressure!

September is quite possibly the most stressful month of the year for adults with ADD. You may even find yourself slipping away from the ADD management routines, structure, and systems that you've previously created.

I've been hearing from a lot of clients who are getting down on themselves because the transition from summer to fall has been more difficult than they anticipated.

With this in mind, I'd like to offer you the following reminder: Managing adult ADD is like riding a bike.

Remember when you learned to ride a bike?

You probably started out with a tricycle when you were very young. At some point, you got the coveted two-wheeler with training wheels.

And eventually the day came that your parents told you it was time to take those training wheels off. Excitement and joy arose when a sunny spring day appeared and you knew it was your time to shine...to be a "big kid."

You probably resented the adult who held on to the back of the bike as you started pedaling in what would be your first-ever bike ride without training wheels.

But what happened when that adult did eventually let go and you were left to ride on your own?

You fell.

Splat! Right over on your side. You thought you could do it, but it turned out balancing on two wheels is a lot harder than balancing on four.

Maybe you cried. Maybe you skinned a knee or an elbow. Perhaps you found your little self completely disappointed and frustrated about what you thought you could do without effort.

But no matter how you felt, you got up and got back on that bike. Maybe right away, and maybe not until a week later. But you got back on the bike. You practiced.

You fell many more times, but you kept getting back on that bike, because you knew that the only way you'd ever learn how to ride that bike was to keep getting back on it.

And now, as an adult, you know how to ride a bike. You may not do it very often, and you may fall every now and then, but you know how to ride a bike.

So what makes you think that managing your ADD is any different than riding a bike?

What makes you think that the minute you set your mind to something, you can instantly accomplish it?

Organization, time management, better focus and concentration, emotional regulation...they all require practice. They require extra effort in times of overwhelm, like the kind we're all experiencing now as life kicks back into high gear.

Learning to manage ADD is like learning to ride a bike. Expect a learning curve. Expect quite a few falls. Expect a hard time finding your balance. And rest assured that one of these days ADD management will be second nature.

Until then, don't get down on yourself when you fall. No matter how bad things seem to be going, no matter how many times you fall, always get back on the bike.

Do you have thoughts on this topic that you'd like to share? Please do so in the comments field!

Weeds of Change

The two summers before this one, I was pretty enthralled with landscaping. I planted a few shrubs and small trees, and tended to them all the time. I watered, weeded, mulched, and lovingly fertilized with compost. My rhododendrons, dwarf spruces, and euonymus were thriving.

This year...not so much.

I don't want to say that I've completely lost interest in landscaping. It's just that other, more new interests have taken priority this summer. I've been busy, and haven't made the landscaping a priority. (As evidenced by the murderous tomato plant I referenced a few weeks ago which, incidentally, is now  fruiting very nicely!)

As any good gardener knows, weeding is essential. And I don't mind weeding, if I have nothing better to do. But lately I just haven't been compelled to weed. And so the weeds in one of the rhododendron beds got a little out of control.

There came a point a few weeks ago when I said to myself, "I hope the lawn guys whacked those weeds in the rhododendron bed." You know, I'd still have to pull them up myself, but I thought maybe I'd get a surprise helping hand. No such luck. So the weeds stayed.

Can you guess where this is going?

Fast forward a few weeks and I now have humongo weeds in front of the house. I could get down on myself for this, and let those old self-deprecating tapes play. If I did, they'd probably say things like:

• What the hell is wrong with me? What is so hard about tearing up a few weeds?
• What will the neighbors think?
• Why do I always lose interest in things so quickly? No one else does this!

Fortunately for me, I don't give a shit. I would have at one time but, at this point, I'm able to laugh about these attentional inconsistencies and just go with the flow.

In this case, my weeds also have flowers. So I'm now calling them "wild flowers" and pretending that I meant for them to grow there all along. And from the street, you might even think they look nice! I'm sure that I'm not fooling the landscaping guys, the UPS guy, or anyone else who comes to the door, but who cares? There are worse things in life than a few weeds in the front yard. (Unless you're a rhododendron.)

Adult ADD: Choices Make the Person

I have some questions for you to think about today:

Are you the kind of person who takes responsibility for your actions, learns from your mistakes, and chooses to move forward? This is the way that happy and successful people generally operate.

Or are you the kind of person who thinks that life happens to you, makes excuses, and feels that things are out of your control? This is the way that unhappy and unsuccessful people generally operate.

You have the power to make choices.

Will you be a happy and successful person with ADD? Will you build your knowledge and awareness? Will you take responsibility for your actions? Will you commit to learning and moving forward?

Or will you make excuses?

One of the best things about being diagnosed with ADD is that you finally have an *explanation* for many of the challenges you experience in life. A huge weight is lifted when you can say to yourself:

"So this is why it's hard for me to get started and follow through! This is why it's hard for me to pay attention in meetings! This is why it's hard for me to get to bed on time!"

Successful adults with ADD take these explanations and turn them into helpful tools. They use this awareness to make good choices, and put themselves in a better position to succeed.

Unsuccessful adults with ADD take these explanations and use them as excuses. They justify their actions (or lack of action) instead of taking responsibility for them. They throw their hands in the air, give up their personal power, and surrender to circumstance.

Excuses don't help us make change or allow us to grow; they provide us with a way out. They give us a reason to not improve our lives, and they keep us feeling disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy.

And excuses have the same effect on the people we feed them to, like spouses, bosses, and friends.

When learning to manage your ADD successfully, you must be willing to stop making excuses, and start making choices.

When you make a choice, you take control. You stop being a victim of circumstance, and start being an aware and responsible person. You open the door for more learning, more awareness, and more success.

Let's look at a practical example: You have a doctor's appointment today, and it normally takes you 15 minutes to get there. You leave on time, but you get stuck in traffic and arrive 5 minutes late. You're stressed out and frantic because the doctor is waiting, and you really tried to be there on time.

At this point, you can make an excuse and say "I did the best I could so it's not my fault I'm late!" Or, "no matter how hard I try, I just can't get to places on time!" But those excuses aren't going to help the situation, and will probably leave you feeling even more frustrated and stressed out.

The alternative is to take responsibility and learn from the experience. "I think I need to start allowing myself extra travel time in case something like this comes up."

You can clearly see which mind set leads to more happiness and success, and which option leads to bad feelings, stress, and overwhelm.

Choices allow you to move forward. Excuses keep you stuck in the same old place.

Happy and successful adults with ADD make choices.

How would you answer the question posed in this article? Do you have other thoughts on this article? Please share them in the comments!

P.S. Are YOU ready to start making choices and move forward as a happy and successful adult with ADD? If so, then check out the Odd One Out Coaching Program that begins next month!

Adults with AD/HD: Do You Need an Attitude ADDjustment?

Today I'd like to share with you an article that I originally wrote for Patricia Quinn, M.D. and ADDvance.com. This article is inspired by Chapter 3 of my book, which is called 'ADDjust Your Attitude.' Judging by the great responses we've been getting about the last two newsletter issues, I think you'll find this topic of particular interest!

I hate to say it, but a lot of adults with AD/HD have an attitude problem. Many of us are negative thinkers with low self-esteem.

It’s understandable; life with AD/HD can have us feeling bad for being so “different” from everyone else. And we feel worse when we try to improve our lives using the wrong systems.

Mainstream advice doesn’t account for the unique wiring of AD/HD brains, and when this advice fails, we feel like we’ve failed. It chips away at our self-esteem.

As a result, many people with AD/HD grow up to be BMWs—people who constantly B*tch, Moan, and Whine! This is one of the reasons that adults with AD/HD often have trouble making new friends and maintaining relationships. It’s also why so many of us struggle to get along with our family members, coworkers, and neighbors.

No one likes to hang out with a BMW. Their constant brooding, complaining, and finding fault can quickly bring a happy person down or zap that person’s energy. Simply put, BMWs are a drag!

If you are a BMW, then don’t fret. With a little work, you can adjust your attitude and improve your social skills. Here are three practical things you can do right away to overcome being a BMW.

1. Accept compliments with grace and gratitude—even if you don’t agree with them.

If you’re a BMW, then chances are that your self-esteem can use a pick-me-up. Accepting the compliments that are paid to you will go a long way in helping you feel better about yourself.

You’ll find that most people genuinely mean what they say. If your friend says she likes your haircut, believe it! If you argue with her compliment by disagreeing and saying something like “This is the worst haircut I’ve ever had!”, then you’re essentially telling your friend that her opinion is wrong.

2. Avoid putting yourself down in front of others.

People often view self-deprecation as “fishing for compliments” and feel a responsibility to lift you up and make you feel better. After a while, this becomes annoying, and you can easily lose friends who might view you as high maintenance.

There’s a big difference between expressing your challenges, and putting yourself down for them. It’s perfectly okay to say “I would have liked to have the house cleaned up by the time you got here, but unfortunately I didn’t have enough time.” In contrast, a BMW might say something like “I’m such a slob! My house is always a mess and no matter what I do I can never get it together!”

3. Surround yourself with positive, happy people.

One of the easiest ways to adjust your attitude is to surround yourself with people worth emulating. When you choose to spend time with other BMWs, you’re choosing to be a BMW.

Make a concerted effort to ditch the BMW within, and then invite a pleasant coworker to join you for coffee, take a walk with a friendly neighbor, or reconnect with a supportive friend. You’ll absorb the positive energy of these good influences. And positive, happy people will be much more understanding when you do find yourself running late for lunch or forgetting a birthday!

When you adjust your attitude by increasing your self-esteem and adopting a more positive perspective, you’ll find that you have an easier time creating and maintaining social connections. People will enjoy spending time with the real you, and you’ll feel better about yourself, too!

Do you have thoughts about this article that you'd like to share? Please do so in the comments!