Experiencing ADDvantages

Stop Shoulding on the Golden Girls

Picture it: Estelle Getty, Sophia from The Golden Girls, died last month. Instead of honoring a beloved actress from a beloved show, the entertainment reporters and gossip bloggers focus on berating the remaining Golden Girls cast--Bea Arthur, Betty White, and Rue McClanahan--for not attending Estelle Getty's funeral.

It seems like everyone is shoulding on The Golden Girls. "It doesn't matter why they didn't go," everyone is saying. "They should have attended Estelle Getty's funeral!"

I hate shoulds. I hate feeling like I should do something. And I really hate it when people tell me what they think I should or shouldn't do. People who feel the need to should others all the time often have very poor self-awareness. They take out their own issues on those around them by shoulding people. I have quite a few Shoulders in my family, so it drives me a little extra nuts.

Each of the Golden Girls had their reasons for not attending the funeral, which they each felt compelled to share after the media barraged them. But who cares? Their reasons don't matter. And neither do their actions...because they live their own lives and we live ours.

If Betty White decides that it's not in her best interest to attend a funeral, then that's that. If Bea Arthur decides not to go to a family wedding, then so be it.

And if Blanch Deveraux (aka Rue McClanahan) decides that she wants to buy condoms in order to be prepared for vacation sex, then more power to her. I just hope that, by now, Blanche and Dorothy know that lambskin condoms aren't the safest form of protection. (And they are actually lamb skin. Ew!) And while were at it, who would have thought that Rose was a little kinky?

Adults With ADD: Fake It Til You Make It

Last week's newsletter, Stop Punishing Yourself, really hit a nerve with people! There were tons of great comments and conversations on my blog in response.

To sum up the topic, as adults with ADD we often think that we're so high-maintenance to those around us--what with our disorganization, trouble managing time, and lack of focus, among other things--that we need to be constantly making up for all the things we are, and are not.

I took this notion to task, and encouraged everyone to stop punishing yourself. If you don't allow yourself time to manage your stress, slow down, and make self-care a priority, then you'll never break out of the overwhelm-burnout cycle.

This week, I'd like to continue the discussion by talking about your attitude. You see, you might be contributing to the problem in more ways than you realize.

It comes down to this: if you act like you're an incompetent mess who always needs to be making up for challenges and weaknesses, then this is exactly the way people will treat you.

Think about it. People take their cues about you from none other than you, yourself.

Have you ever watched a reality show like American Idol? Even if you don't like it, chances are you've seen it.

What happens when someone has a less-than-stellar performance and then apologizes for it? You probably think to yourself one of the following things:

1. Wow, I have no idea what she's talking about. I thought she did a great job!
2. He needs to stop apologizing because he's making it worse! Simon is gonna eat him alive.
3. Man, this girl is so annoying! All she does is talk about how bad she is every week. I hope she gets voted off already!

On the flip side, what happens when a really good singer makes a mistake? They move on and keep going. They acknowledge the mistake when it's pointed out by the judges, but they don't dwell on it.

Which type of contestant do you (and the rest of the world) root for? Most likely the latter. And, of course, these are the singers who tend to be the most successful in the competition.

Art certainly does imitate life in this regard:

If you present yourself as a confident, intelligent, and friendly person, then this is what others will see and accept.

If you present yourself as a pathetic screw-up who can never do anything right, then this is what others will see and accept.

You control the way people treat you by the way you treat yourself. Accept who you are--flaws and all. Respect yourself. Take charge and present yourself as the person you are, and the person you want to be.

And if all else fails, then fake it til you make it!

Stop punishing yourself. Start living.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

The Truth About ADD and Follow Through

"I know I'm capable of so much more. I'm just not living up to my potential."

If you're an adult with ADD, then you're probably all too familiar with this sentiment.

It's a judgment that often manifests itself when you take stock of all the great ideas you've had that never got off the ground, and all the unfinished projects that you started but never completed. 

The overwhelming number of things in your life that you haven't "followed through" on can lead you to believe that you are not living up to your potential. But this simply isn't true.                      

By nature, ADDers are visionaries and idea generators. If only someone would pay us to think up great ideas all day long - we'd all be rich!

We think of so many  "wouldn't it be nice to...",  "I'd really like to...", and "someone should find a way to..." ideas that it would be absolutely  impossible to follow through on every great idea we have.     

Think about it. If you tried to implement every good idea you ever had, would you have time to eat, sleep, or even breathe right now? Probably not. But this is not an indication that you're lazy, unable to follow  through, or not living up to your potential.

Successful  ADDers know that they are always going to have great ideas that never come to  fruition. It's just our nature to be constantly thinking, creating and innovating. We can't shut off this part of ourselves even when we try! But we simply don't have the physical or  mental capability to follow through on every great idea that comes to us.

Rather than beating yourself up about all those great ideas that don't go anywhere, embrace your idea-generating ability as a part of who you are.

Realize that some  ideas are worth following through on, and some are not.  Let go of the guilt. Refuse to listen to the internal dialog that tells you you're lazy and not living up to your potential, simply because you have too many good ideas to keep up with! 

Instead, ask yourself what's practical to follow through on in the present, instead of putting pressure on yourself to do it all.  Keep a notebook in which you write down your great ideas so that you can  come back to them if you want to.

Focus  on one or two  great ideas that you want to make happen, and use past ideas that you actually did follow through on to motivate you as you move forward.   

And don't  forget to acknowledge this special talent that you have. The ability to generate tons of great ideas  makes you a visionary!

Have thoughts on this topic? Please share them in the comments!

What Are Your Magic Moments?

AMG Associate Coach Sharon Howell is leading a fantastic teleclass this Monday night in the  ADD Management Membership Program.

On this live teleclass, Sharon will lead members through a powerful exercise called "Magic Moments on the Mountain."

"Magic  moments" are times in your life when you felt on top of the world. Times when you felt a great sense of achievement and empowerment. Times  when your self-esteem was high and you felt like you could accomplish  anything.

Remembering and recounting these moments can help  you manifest positive things in your life today. By directing your attention to past successes, this exercise helps you focus on your strengths and apply them in your life today.
                        
Members will discover and share (if  you choose to) your own Magic Moments on the Mountain, and learn how to  use these moments to inspire and encourage yourself in the present day.

The teleclass is for members only and takes places this Monday evening, June 9th, at 8pm EST.                

You can try the ADD Management Membership Program for 1 week--and attend Monday's teleclass--for just $4.95. Signup here: http://www.addmanagement.com/coaching/membership.html

There is no obligation to remain a member after the initial trial week, although we think you'll want to stick around to learn even more ADD management tools and techniques in this structured and interactive learning environment!

Adults with ADD: Clean Your Brain

Ever find yourself with a brain full of unwanted guests?

ADD brains have a way of filling up with negative thoughts. They can build up to a point where it becomes hard to move forward in your day. This is what I call a state of "mental clutter."

 

Mental clutter is made up of many different kinds of negative thoughts. Think of them like characters.

Regrets Of The Past and Worries About The Future come over uninvited and park themselves on your brain's couch, where they can brood with each other for hours.

Self Doubt rings your brain's doorbell with a new criticism every chance it gets. When you don't answer the door, it leaves messages on your answering machine telling you why you suck.

Self Pity gets in your brain's way. It's an annoying little character that frequently sprawls out on your brain's floor and throws a tantrum.

 

And, of course, All Those Shoulds hide in the corners of your brain and whisper "You should do this!" and "You should do that!" when you least expect it.

When mental clutter takes over the ADD brain, it can be stressful, overwhelming, and sometimes even paralyzing. Mental clutter creates an atmosphere of chaos and gets in the way of you being calm, productive, happy, and successful.

When mental clutter starts blocking your progress, it's time to take out the trash!

 

The best way to clean up mental clutter is to attack it head on. This means acknowledging all those characters and the messages they send, and then kicking them all out on their butts.

 

Talk with Regrets Of The Past and Worries About The Future. Find out what they're on about and ask them a few questions. Does Regrets Of The Past have any wisdom to share that might be helpful in the present? Does Worries About The Future have any plans or solutions to offer? 

    

Tell Self Doubt to F--- off. The only way to deal with Self Doubt effectively is to put up really strong boundaries. Let it know, in the most direct and vulgar manner possible, that it's not welcome in your brain.

 

Give Self Pity a Time Out. Empathize with Self Pity and let it express its concerns. Find out why its so upset. Reassure it and make it feel better. Give it a toy to keep it busy.

Sweep Up All Those Shoulds. Collect All Those Shoulds from the corners of your brain and have a look. If you find a few gems, then by all means hang onto them. Throw the rest out the window.

Don't let mental clutter take over. When you find yourself with unwanted guests, take a little time to clean out your brain!

As always, your thoughts are welcome.

March mADDness Week 4 Winners

We wrap up our final March mADDness giveaway today! I hope these events were as much fun for everyone who participated as they were for me.

In order to be eligible to win the prize, the rules stated that entry comments must contain what you like most about having adult ADD, along with your first and last name--or, at least, first name and last initial. There were only 3 entries for the final contest, and none of them qualified as no one included their first and last name (or last initial.) What, do you people all have ADD or something?

So I could technically declare no winners this week, but what fun would that be? So screw it, everyone wins!

Stephanie, who values her spontaneous creativity, Jessica, who enjoys her own unique perspective, and Liz, who benefits from her ability to hyperfocus, are all getting a free 2-month subscription to the ADD Management Membership Program! We'll be contacting you all offline to get you setup.

Thanks to everyone who entered the four contests this month, and congratulations to all our winners!

UPDATE: Liz, you didn't include your email address either! Please contact us at coaching - at - addmanagement.com so we can set you up with your prize!

March mADDness Week 4: ADD & Community

Well, March is just about over. That means we can soon say goodbye to basketball interrupting our television viewing schedules, and wait for baseball to take over that job. It also means that we have just one giveaway left for March mADDness!

This week, I'm giving away a 2-month subscription to the new and improved ADD Management Membership Program (a $54 value.) This program teaches the "Five Essential Skills for Managing Adult ADD" and forges community and connection among adults with ADD. One of the biggest benefits of the membership program is the opportunity to connect with your peers and coaches who understand you, and don't judge you.

To Enter: In the comments field below, tell us one thing you love about adult ADD. In what way does it benefit you?

Deadline: Comments must be posted by midnight EST on Sunday March 30th. The winner will be announced on Monday March 31.

Note: You MUST include your name, email address, and one thing you love about adult ADD in your comment. At minimum, please include your first name and last initial. Your name will be published, your email address will not be.

The winner will be chosen at random (by Rascal - see Week 1) from all eligible entries and notified by email, as well as on the blog.

Good luck!

Adult ADD & Negative People: Just Hang Up

My cell phone rang last night for the 4th time in an hour. I knew who it was: my brother. We're both very caught up in politics and chat frequently during the primaries.

"I'm not so sure about Texas anymore," he said.

"This is your last warning," I told him. "I'm staying positive and I don't want the negative energy. You either stay positive or I'm hanging up!"

"Okay." He agreed. "But did you see what CNN just said about--"

Click. I hung up. I warned him!

Adults with ADD can be very "spongy." We easily absorb the moods and emotions of those around us.

Because of this, we often have to shield ourselves from the people in our lives who have bad attitudes. For example:

• The friend who can never be happy for you when you have good news.
• The coworker who likes to come to your desk and complain.
• The family member who criticizes the way you keep your house, raise your kids, cut your hair, etc.

Such people can suck the energy right out of a happy, productive, and successful ADDer. Nothing stops successful ADD management like a bad attitude. Negativity and low self-confidence will quickly quash momentum.

Of course, we can't completely dismiss negative people from our lives. But what we can do is plan ahead to protect ourselves from absorbing the energy of the negative people around us. For example:

• Choose to share your good news with the positive and supportive people in your life, and skip that negative friend.
• Gently inform that complaining coworker that you're too swamped with work and can't chat.
• Tell that critical family member "Thanks for the feedback" and then change the subject.

Don't let the negative people in your life rob you of your success and good feelings. You deserve better.

Have a comment on this topic? Please share your thoughts! You can also feel free to share how negative people have affected you, your life, and your ADD management. How do you deal with them?

P.S. I got a phone call at 1 AM last night. "You were right. But I'm still mad you hung up on me." Oh well!

 

Beating Up Your Best Friend

Adults with ADD can be really hard on themselves. We often beat ourselves up over the smallest things, kicking self-esteem into the gutter and quashing motivation.

When a client berates herself for forgetting something, running late, or making a mistake, I ask her to breath and take a step back.

"If your friend made this innocent, simple mistake, would you berate her in the same way you're berating yourself?"

"No," is always the answer.

"So if you wouldn't treat your friend this way, why would you treat yourself this way?"

            Silence usually follows as the person realizes just how unfair she is being--to herself.

ADD-Libber has a great post on this subject, called "being your own best friend." Check it out!

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!