An interactive blog for the adult ADD community.
Brought to you by Jennifer Koretsky, Senior Certified AD/HD Coach, Founder of ADD Management Group, Inc., and Director of the Virtual AD/HD Conference.
If you haven't heard about John Mayer's latest media debacle, then allow me to fill you in on the basics. In an interview with Playboy Magazine, John Mayer:
Likened Jessica Simpson to cocaine
Admitted to having a passion for pornography (a passion? really? not just a liking? cause a passion for porn is just creepy)
Claimed to have a "hood pass" (meaning black people like him...or used to)
Called his penis a "white supremacist" because he is only interested in sex with white women
Then, to top it all off, when he apologized for the interview, he claimed that he was trying to be intellectual. Um, yeah.
I've been cracking up about this interview and the media response since the story broke yesterday. My favorite was Whoopi Goldberg's response to Mayer's white supremacist penis: "Like I was looking," she said today on The View. Ha!
Now I have no idea as to whether or not John Mayer has ADD. But, clearly, John Mayer is guilty of not thinking before he speaks. And, truth be told, I've been known to do the same on occasion--although I'm pretty sure I've never said things quite that offensive.
Let's see...there are so many examples! Like this one time that I was talking to a big shot in the ad agency that I worked for a long time ago. I kind of forgot who I was talking to and inadvertently made fun of a campaign that he, himself, had created. I thought I was gonna get fired for that one, but I guess I lucked out!
I've worked with lots and lots of ADDers who have gotten into trouble with foot-in-mouth syndrome. The ADD brain often needs to be trained to put a buffer between the thought and the speech. And, in honor of John Mayer's goof, I thought it might be fun to share our foot-in-mouth ADD moments.
Please share your experiences in the comments field. Let's have a good laugh!
I have a confession to make. I’ve had a number of health issues in the last couple of years, and I’ve been keeping quiet about them. But all that’s changing.
Now before you start worrying about me, let me just come right out and tell you that my health concerns are not life-threatening. I don’t have cancer, I don’t need an organ transplant, and I’m not in the hospital! Nonetheless, I’ve been miserable. And I have a hunch that many of you will be able to relate.
And before you read too far, I just want to warn you that this note is me unbridled. I’m holding nothing back. You may encounter a swear word or two, and I hope that doesn’t offend you.
So here's the deal: I’ve felt awful for the last 3 years. I’ve been overly fatigued, gained weight that I couldn’t lose, and suffered with hormonal mood swings. And every so often, a new symptom would pop up and add itself to the mix, despite my best efforts to stay healthy. Things just got worse and worse.
Then, about a year ago, we unexpectedly lost our beloved dog Punky to cancer. Now I know that many people think that dogs are just pets, but my Punky meant the world to me. When she died, I felt like my internal motor burned out and grinded to a halt. And my health only got worse from there. There is no other way to describe to you how I’ve felt in the last year other than to say that I’ve felt like shit!
I’ve been to countless doctors and health professionals in the last 3 years, including a number of internal medicine doctors, gynecologists, psychiatrists, an endocrinologist, a dermatologist, a psychotherapist, and a dietitian. (And I’m sure there are a few I’m forgetting.)
To each doctor, I explained my symptoms, and recounted my efforts to address them. Good nutrition, lots of rest (even though I have a lot of trouble sleeping), and plenty of exercise. I would stress that despite my best efforts, I just haven’t felt like myself in years.
Now, I saw a few well-meaning doctors, and I saw a few idiots (and I mean idiots!) My favorite was the endocrinologist who reviewed my daily food intake, decided that I was lying to him and that I must be eating more than I said, and insisted that an appetite suppressant was the key to all my problems. I still want to scream when I think about that jerk!
And even the doctors I liked weren’t very helpful. Each one disagreed with the others, and each doctor thought that treating my symptoms was the answer. No one listened—or rather, no one understood—when I told them that I wanted to find the cause of all these symptoms!
I’ve since learned that most doctors today aren’t trained to treat the whole person, they’re trained to treat symptoms. It’s a band-aid approach.
I was tired of the band-aids. I wanted to get to the root of my problems so that I could feel like myself again and get on with my life!
Now before things get too gloomy, there is some good news in this story. First, I may have finally found the cause of my health concerns! I was just about to give up on doctors completely when I found one who was able to look at the big picture and locate the source of my problems. It’s a little premature to say that I’ve been cured, but I’ve embarked on a new course and it seems to be making a big difference. When the time is right, I promise that I will share all the details.
Second, I’ve learned that I just can’t be so reliant on doctors and other professionals when it comes to my health. If I didn’t listen to my instincts and take action on my own, I’d probably be more miserable now than ever before. I know now that while having a good doctor on my side is important, I’m the one who really holds the power. I know I have a long road to healing ahead of me, but I’m ready for it! And I’ll be talking a lot more about this stuff on my blog in the coming months.
Third, and maybe most importantly, I’ve been inspired by my own health crisis to reach out to people who are facing the same challenge.
You know that I coach adults with ADD. But what you probably don’t know is that about 95% of those clients are dealing with health concerns over and above ADD. Obesity and inability to lose weight, fibromyalgia, lupus, chronic fatigue, migraines, insomnia, infertility, depression, and debilitating anxiety are just a few of the conditions that readily come to mind. So I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who’s been going through life—working, raising a family, trying to be happy—all the while feeling like shit!
It’s all of this—my own health concerns, my clients’ struggles, and my new knowledge—that led me to put together the Holistic Health Virtual Conference.
In the last year, I’ve become just as passionate about holistic health and wellness as I am about ADD. I’ve seen too many people suffering with not just their ADD, but a cascade of other health problems. I also have a sneaking suspicion that it’s all related, and the connections between general health and ADD are ones that I will definitely be exploring in the coming months.
For now, I’ve gone out of my way (and perhaps worked a little harder than I should have in my current state) to put together a stellar online event that introduces holistic health to people who are struggling to figure out the causes of their illnesses and move on with their lives.
The Holistic Health Virtual Conference speakers are experts on their topics who aren’t afraid to buck the establishment. They understand that health is about more than band-aids. They understand that health and wellness means paying attention to the whole person, and not just the person’s symptoms.
And even more importantly, each and every one of the Holistic Health Virtual Conference speakers is “in the trenches,” working to educate the public and make a positive difference in the lives of their patients and clients.
Just take a look at the Holistic Health Virtual Conference presenters, and you’ll see what I mean:
Dr. Charles Parker (one of my favorite presenters from the Virtual AD/HD Conference) will talk to us about causes of and treatments for psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, and ADD in the context of your overall health
Shane Ellison will share his experience as a former big pharma chemist, and offer natural alternatives for curing and preventing cancer
Dr. Steven Hotze will share some comprehensive and really powerful information on hormonal imbalances in men and women—from thyroid disorders to estrogen dominance
Ann Louise Gittleman will be teaching us detox strategies for weight loss and improved health
Dr. Rodger Murphree will be educating us about the medical myths of heart disease
Nancy Desjardins will be telling us how to live better by beating sugar and food cravings
Dr. Michael Holick is one of the world’s leading authorities on Vitamin D, and he’ll be sharing some surprising benefits of Vitamin D when it comes to treating autoimmune diseases and chronic illnesses
Kelley Herring will educate us on the hidden dangers in our food that can lead to infertility, birth defects, and cancer
Dr. Daniel Amen (a favorite in the ADD community) is our Keynote Speaker and he’ll discuss the connection between our brains and bodies when it comes to losing weight
And I’ll be addressing the topic of stress management, which I think is one of the most important wellness factors no matter who you are or what health concerns you’re dealing with
These are the people and the information that I wish someone put in front of me 3 years ago! But if you know me, then you know I’m not a complainer. I’d rather make a difference and help others in the way I wish someone could have helped me.
If you can relate to my story and you can’t seem to get your own health on track, then you’re one of the people who I had in mind when I put this event together.
Remember, this is an online event, so you don’t need to travel, and you don’t even need to attend the live sessions because downloads will be availableto everyone who registers. And, of course, there will be ample opportunity to connect with others who are also struggling with health concerns and learning how to take charge of their own health.
I’ve made the whole process as easy as possible to ensure that the people who need this information are able to take advantage of it. If this sounds like you, then please do join us next week!
Last week, I saw Thomas Jefferson's quote "Delay is preferable to error" running all around the Internet, and I had to cringe.
This "inspirational" quote is dangerous for adults with ADD, especially those who struggle with perfectionism. (And I haven't met a single adult with ADD who doesn't get stuck in perfectionist mode in at least one or two areas.) "Delay is preferable to error" could be adopted as a motto for perfectionists.
If you've ever coached with me, then you know that I can easily pick up on perfectionist tendencies, probably because I've struggled with them, myself, in the past (and still do in certain situations.)
When I was going through my coach training, David Giwerc taught us,
"Remember PPP! Perfectionism Prevents Progress!" This really stuck
with me, and I share it with clients often.
People mistakenly believe that perfectionists are, well...perfect.
That their houses and offices are clean and sparkling, that everything
is in its place, and that every project is right on schedule.
In reality,
perfectionists often feel like failures. The mark of perfectionism is that nothing
ever gets completed! There's always one more thing that could be made better. Nothing is good enough to be considered "done." And when all that unfinished business piles up, a perfectionist feels guilt and shame.
Three examples come to mind when I think about how adults with ADD can get stuck in thinking that delay is preferable to error:
Mindy, a former client and a grad student at an Ivy League University, failed a number of assignments because she didn't turn them in on time. They weren't incomplete, just not perfect. The thought of getting a B for a good job was not good enough. She preferred to get an F for a perfect, late paper than a B for an on time, imperfect paper. Her professors--and the university--disagreed. (I've found that many students--college age and adult--struggle with this form of perfectionism.)
Pete, also a former client, was frustrated by the outdated software programs in his office, so he created a software program that could be customized for sales people not just in his company, but in his entire industry. He delayed seeking out investors because he was constantly finding things to improve in his software program; it never felt finished. After tweaking the software for almost 2 years, someone else beat him to it with a similar program and made a small fortune.
As I've been learning how to play guitar, I've been getting caught up in the idea that I need to learn how to do something exactly right before I learn how to do it quickly.Brett, my guitar teacher, has been trying to drill into my head the idea that timing is more important in music. If you get the timing right and miss a few notes, the vast majority of people won't even notice. But if you get the timing wrong, listeners will know it. Think about it: when's the last time you went to a concert and witnessed a musician say, "Wait, hold up, that wasn't right! Let me do it again."??
So if you happen to see Thomas Jefferson's "Delay is preferable to error" quote floating around the Internet, do yourself a favor and ignore it. No one's perfect.
So many of you have emailed me offering your congratulations, and I thank you all so much!
This has truly been a wonderful experience for me, and for so many adults with ADD that I've been hearing from.
There is something very powerful in sharing our stories, isn't there? I'm grateful to The TODAY Show for allowing me to share my story with millions of viewers whom I would not otherwise be able to reach. I think I'll be smiling nonstop for the next month. :-)
In the past few days, I've been sent this "inspirational" video (click the picture) by a number of friends. I've also seen it posted numerous times on Facebook, Twitter, and countless blogs. Apparently, it's been seen by over ten million people.
The video is of Susan Boyle, a contestant on Britain's Got Talent, who wows the judges and blows away the audience with her beautiful voice. The video is usually accompanied by the tag line "Don't judge a book by it's cover." And this is where I begin to get more than a little pissed off.
The message that the world seems to be clinging to is "WOW! This ugly woman actually has a talent! Can you believe it? Hey, if this ugo can shine, so can you!"
It's as if this woman had no value in the world until she proved herself a talented singer.
Whatever happened to judging a person by who they are, as opposed to what they look like? Whatever happened to judging a person by their values? Or how they treat others? Or, even better but certainly much harder, not judging a person at all?
Susan Boyle was judged for the way she looked. This video wouldn't be "inspirational" if she wasn't.
Some food for thought: perhaps we shouldn't be quite so surprised when we find value in people who aren't beauty queens.
I really don't love sports. Never watch the Olympics. Couldn't care less about swimming. In fact, if Michael Phelps didn't have ADD, I really wouldn't care about him at all. But since he is a successful ADDer, he's on my radar, and I feel compelled to comment on the recent media attention he's received over being caught smoking pot.
Everyone seems to be so busy being politically correct and going on record to condemn Michael Phelps' behavior that no one is saying what many of us are thinking. So what?
Michael Phelps smoked pot. So what?
Did you ever smoke pot? I did. Granted, I haven't touched the stuff since college, but I smoked here and there, and I turned out okay. I also drank, smoked cigarettes, and had sex. I made good choices, and I made bad choices. And I turned out alright. In fact, I turned out pretty damn good.
I don't think Michael Phelps is a drug addict. I do think he's made some poor choices. When you're a public figure and viewed as a role model, you certainly want to be careful about what you do and who you do it with. And when you drink, you should NEVER drive a car. (I personally find this inexcusable.) But perhaps Michael Phelps' biggest crime in this pot smoking fiasco is quite simply being guilty of some ADD impulsiveness.
Is Michael Phelps still an ADD role model? Absolutely. His successes cannot be taken away from him. And his recent actions might even provide an excellent opportunity for parents to talk to their kids about drugs and drinking and the consequences of a person's choices and actions.
Need further convincing? See what Saturday Night Live's Seth Myers has to say about it. I couldn't agree more.
In the last issue of the ADD Management Guide, I encouraged everyone to avoid making New Year's Resolutions. Generally, people commit to their new behavior for 17 days before completely giving up. A knock in self-esteem always follows. So why bother?
Instead, I suggested an exercise in reflection to increase awareness of your challenges and successes in the previous year, and to identify some positive intentions for 2009. Now it's time to take that notion a step further.
What if, instead of locking yourself into a rigid set of rules, you resolved to focus on a specific area that's important to you? I'm talking about creating a theme for the New Year.
When you have a theme in mind for yourself, you can continually focus on making improvements in one area all year long. There are no rules and no dents in self-esteem, just a general commitment to remain focused on making improvements in a specific area of your life.
To aid you in this endeavor, you can create a question that you use to check in with yourself on a regular basis.
Here are some examples:
Theme: The Year of the Authentic Self
Goal: To focus on being yourself with no anxiety or apologies, to express yourself fully and develop better self-esteem.
Question: Will this statement/action reveal my authentic self?
Theme: The Year of Better Health
Goal: To focus on making choices that will improve general health and well being.
Question: Will this action lead to better health?
Theme: The Year of Diminished Debt
Goal: To focus on eliminating debt.
Question: Will this action/purchase decrease my debt?
In all these examples, asking yourself a very simple 'yes or no' question will help you build awareness and make good decisions based on what you want to be doing.
My theme for 2009 is "The Year of Speaking the Truth." This is actually an exercise in boundaries for me. It's about being unapologetic for the choices that I make. It's also about being honest with myself about how I feel. The question I'll be asking myself is "Am I honoring/speaking my truth?"
In the past few years, I've found that creating a theme for my year is much more effective than simply making resolutions. It requires more mental attention, but it produces much greater (and more fulfilling) results in the long haul.
And I've seen too many clients, colleagues, and friends damage their self-esteem by setting themselves up with unrealistic resolutions that they just couldn't follow through on. So if you don't want to be one of them this year, then consider implementing a personal theme for 2009.
Got a theme for the New Year? Please share it with us in the comments! And feel free to share any other thoughts you have on this topic, too.
Before my book was published last year, I brainstormed titles and subtitles with my Mastermind Group of coaches. The title Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD was born out of that meeting.
A week later, I came up with the subtitle: How to Be Happy and Successful by Breaking the Rules. I loved it! It was a fantastic summary of my personal coaching philosophy. I sent it around to some close friends and colleagues and asked for feedback.
A few people liked it a lot, but a couple of people emailed me with the same concern: they suggested I use the subtitle "How to Be Happy and Successful by Making Your Own Rules," instead of "...by Breaking the Rules." Breaking the rules seemed a little too strong, they said. And really it means the same thing in the end, doesn't it?
I thanked everyone for their feedback, and chose not to change the subtitle. Here's why: Mavericks aren't content to just make new rules. Mavericks don't even like rules. And we tend to not like the people who make the rules much, either.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging anyone to indulge in a crime spree. What I am suggesting, however, is that there are a number of social rules and constraints that many ADDers struggle to adhere to.
Think about all the rules that you feel pressured to follow, like:
You must put money before happiness when it comes to your job or career
You must sit perfectly still in a meeting or classroom so as not to disrupt others
You must go to bed and wake up at a "reasonable" hour
You must super-clean your house for guests
You must put everything away in a neat and tidy place if you want to be organized
You must put the needs of your family and friends before your needs
You must be productive throughout the entire day
And worst of all - you must do everything in your power to hide your ADD from everyone around you
I call BS on all these rules, and the others like them!
Maverick ADDers actually function better with guidelines instead of rules. When we create structure for ourselves, it needs to flexible, not rigid.
The maverick approach to ADD management requires that you take a good, hard look at the rules you're pressuring yourself to follow, and decide which ones need to be broken.
When you embrace the maverick within and make a conscious decision to break the rules that have been holding you back, you give yourself permission to be happy and successful according to your own guidelines. You move beyond your challenges, and into your authentic self.
In this regard, the maverick approach to ADD management is easier than you might think. Following the rules can be painful... but breaking them can be fun.
What rules are you ready to break? Tell us! Please share your thoughts in the comments field.
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